The things I otherwise would've said had you been more accepting.

On moving on: I think, my issue boils down to how I see her: Even to this day, I still feel like she’s the one, you know? Like, yeah I see a future with her. This has only happened once, and that’s with her. You can imagine the loss and pain of losing someone that you see a future with. Now, I know that she’s doing all she can to erase me, even going so far as to block me on Spotify. Yeah, fucking Spotify. Imagine someone going that far to erase someone from their life, but somehow it doesn’t really change the way I see her. I think I’m waiting for a ghost to come home. I think that’s why each time I wake up, I feel anxious. You know? The type of anxiety you get when you’re waiting for your package to arrive or something. Yeah, that pretty much sums it up for me. I know I should move on, my big brain keeps telling me to, but my idiot heart says, “Wait. Wait a little longer.” I don't think that it's gonna end well for me. Not at all. I’m an idiot. My pain is self-chosen.

Houses peepin’ down the streets, where the moonlight bathes lost souls in its bloodshot light. Searchin’ for a meanin’ on jagged concretes. Not a single damn for one’s worn soles or a lesson in hindsight. Fallen petals seek reconciliation. Only to be met with cruel predicaments. On a giant pedestal, I put you on. Yet, somehow, our paths were in dissonance. Tattered, broken, bruised, confused, alone, I now must tread these shattered pedestals. Much like how a raging cyclone, in its wake, would engulf those poor petals.

Well... this is it. The end of an era. This post was originally intended to contemplate what my life has become post my father's departure, but I figured why not put everything into one post? The running theme here is loss. So, with that in mind, let's continue. 2021 has been one helluva roller coaster ride to me or everyone for that matter. What I'd thought was gonna be a beginning toward a better future for me has turned out the exact opposite. As I'm typing this, I'm trying to muster the needed courage to push through. The past two weeks have been utter hell . Utter. Hell. Err... not just the past two weeks, actually. I think, looking back, everything seemed to be crumbling apart; my job was in peril, my father was facing Covid, and my mental condition was getting worse. Fast forward a couple of weeks, shit just hit the fan. Lost my father, lost my job, and I was more lifeless than ever. I was then hired at a company with half the starting pay from what I used to

When the time comes, I want you to know That I’ve tried my best That I’ve broken my back That I’ve sold my soul That I’ve killed my pride Something’s just lacking   Come here, and I’ll let you in on a secret Long enough have I endured this ordeal Long enough have I hidden behind this iron mask Long enough have I been the fool Long enough have I played my part More, and more, and more is lacking Promise me something When dining on the ashes no longer cuts it Stick my head to the grindstone Split open the mask and find my lost self within Probably the best thing anyone could ever do for me And still, more is found lacking Crack open my skull Feast on my grey matter Maybe you’ll find what’s missing Release me from this prison Salvation escapes me Set me free all the same