The End of an Era

Well... this is it.

The end of an era.

This post was originally intended to contemplate what my life has become post my father's departure, but I figured why not put everything into one post? The running theme here is loss. So, with that in mind, let's continue.

2021 has been one helluva roller coaster ride to me or everyone for that matter. What I'd thought was gonna be a beginning toward a better future for me has turned out the exact opposite. As I'm typing this, I'm trying to muster the needed courage to push through. The past two weeks have been utter hell. Utter. Hell.

Err... not just the past two weeks, actually. I think, looking back, everything seemed to be crumbling apart; my job was in peril, my father was facing Covid, and my mental condition was getting worse. Fast forward a couple of weeks, shit just hit the fan. Lost my father, lost my job, and I was more lifeless than ever. I was then hired at a company with half the starting pay from what I used to make from my old job. "No matter," I thought. "Making less than what I did is better than making none at all."

Shit was proven to be a mistake.

Not only was it taxing on the hours, but it was also taxing on mental health. I remember having spent weeks on end barely getting any rest just to meet the quota, and right after a month of working there, they had this massive layoff where about 80% of the employees were let go, including myself.

I'll say this, though: 2021 was not all bad. Throughout the shitstorm I'd been enduring, there was one constant thing: my then-girlfriend. She was as supportive and understanding as they come, or so I thought.

As you probably have guessed, that too did not last. I've since been grappling with my father's death, and even to this day it still keeps me up at night, but I'd take comfort in knowing that she was not going anywhere. "Finally, a secure and stable relationship," I thought. "A new beginning is right around the corner." Although I had other issues, for the first time in ages, I felt I was at what was like a good place to start fresh. For the first time in ages, I thought the love life department would be the least of my worries. It felt like I’d finally found someone with whom to grow.

Then, the unthinkable happened.

On November 29, 2021, she decided to leave. Lost and confused, I begged her to reconsider, and she did, at least for a while. My bad I could not give her the space she needed due to my crippling anxiety. The following week, she finally called it quits and blocked me everywhere.

Unthinkable, or should I have seen it coming? Maybe despite my best efforts, I was still too hard on her. Too headstrong. Too impatient. Too rude. Yeah, I don't think we ever had major issues like cheating/lying/abuse, and despite my flaws, I know I did everything in my power to be a good partner to her.

Apparently, it was not enough. To be left like that is akin to having one's beating heart ripped apart. I've never experienced that, but I imagine it feels similar.

So... yeah, still lost and confused, now more than ever, I'm trying to pour it all into this short write-up. What good will it do me? I've no idea, but writing has always been one of my better ways to cope, and it's long overdue anyway since my last post. For now, I'm doing all I can to survive. I'm seeing a shrink again, I'm surrounding myself with good people, I'm keeping my family in mind, everything. Fuck, if I'd slipped I wouldn't be here now, writing this. I'm hoping I would not slip. I'd say I'd sleep till 2022 comes, but I'd be lying. Sleep has become a stranger to me, more than it has ever been.

The end of an era, truly. I honestly don't know where/when/how/why it all went to shit, but one thing I do know is this: I'm just letting myself go. Completely adrift, waiting for the time when all this finally ends.

To those who feel wronged by me, feel free to reach out to me and point out my wrongdoings. Maybe this is karma for my past sins? Anyway just help me atone and maybe help me not feel too shitty about myself? I uhh... don't know what to say anymore. I feel like I've lost the desire to continue, but I know it can't end here, can it? Somebody convince me, please.