The ABCs of Agony

A - Apathy. Your apathy during our separation is killing me. You know I’m still waiting for you, but you remain cold. I guess you’re just expecting me to give up on my own.

B - Bombing. Bombing of any kind is never a good idea, including your favorite pastime: love bombing.

C - Counting. To this day, I am still counting how many seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, and months we have wasted since separating.

D - Duress. Ever since the beginning, you fucked things up in ways I never would’ve imagined, ways I would never wish on my worst enemies. I gave you grace under duress, and you still left nonetheless.

E - Envy. Sometimes, I envy the residents of the loony bin. Maybe that’s where I belong, eventually.

F - Fall. This September would’ve been the beginning of fall elsewhere. Little did I know, it was the beginning of my fall into madness, as well. Our relationship falls apart, and I was blindsided, yet again.

G - Grief. To grieve you is akin to grieving someone who passed, yet still very much alive, enjoying her life even after doing irreparable damage to someone she once claimed to love so very much, while that someone is drowning in grief.

H - Halloween. Halloween used to be my favorite day of the year, in a way, because of how silly it is. Now, I dread it for being D-5 to your birthday, and my nightmares come to life then.

I - Indifference. Forgive me for my past indifference, as I am trying to accept and forgive your presence indifference.

J - Joy. Joy is something I am not sure I will ever feel again, not after this mess. Not after being lied to and left for dead for weeks. I am sorry.

K - Kryptonite. Your kryptonite consists of your exes’ favorite songs. Mine consists of your betrayal, lies, and empty words.

L - Love. I have proven time and time again that love, indeed, is the death of us all. It takes so much and gives very little. The moment “love” disappears and the hard work begins, so do you.

M - Malice. I will never find out the malice behind your words and actions, and I suppose it is only right. Nobody really knows anybody, and that is why we are all so very lonely.

N - Naught. I suppose this has all been for naught, yet I am grateful to you for briefly lighting up my cold, empty, dark heart. Even if at the cost of my own sanity.

O - Openness. One of the rarest things in life, to me, is openness. I can say with absolute certainty that if you find someone who is very open and honest, you got yourself a keeper. Cherish them. For people with the compulsion to lie will be the bane of your existence, as it has been for me.

P - Patience. I apologize for lacking patience in the past, as I am apologizing again for lacking patience in the present. I cannot wait forever. You said it would take us a year, or maybe sooner, but I see now that you only said it to let me down easy.

Q - Questions. So many questions I had for you in the past, and they destroyed your feelings bit by bit. Even now, I still have a lot of unanswered questions, and by the way things are going, it appears they will remain as such.

R - Resentment. We have to learn to let go of resentment before it takes everything we hold dear. It has happened to us, but I suppose serving others as a cautionary tale wouldn’t make this tragedy such a waste.

S - Suicide. We both have expressed our separate desires to commit suicide for different reasons. You may have outgrown yours, but I am only slowly falling deeper into it. When that happens, I hope you will never find out.

T - Time. To this day, I still believe that time doesn’t heal, only reveals. The more I let time pass, the more I learn things that will eventually allow me to free myself from the illusion that is your love. Why are you persistent in postponing our getting back together? Only time will tell.

U - Unhappiness. Unhappiness has loomed over us for a long, long time, and neither of us could think very clearly. Now that we have been separated for some time, I can see that you are definitely happier without me, and I thank you for making me want to kill myself twice. Go be happy now.

V - Vacancy. The vacancy left by your absence will not be filled anytime soon. Perhaps never. I have gone through breakups in the past, but none did me in like this one. You should be proud, really. You’re still the one.

W - Weariness. Right now, I am simply overwhelmed with weariness. I think I have exhausted my options, and nothing budged you. I don’t think anything will. I am simply done trying, and I am letting you go, finally.

X - Xanax. All my life, Xanax has never had any profound effects on me, but then again, I had never chased 20 Xanax with bourbon in one go. I think it’s high time I tried that.

Y - You. Congratulations on being the single human being to have brought me completely to my knees and completely eluded my hatred. You have made me want to check out more than once, and yet I do not hate you. I should hate you, but I don’t. That’s when I realize what I have for you is love. Pure, unrelenting love.

Z - Zenith. I never expected that the zenith of our relationship was already in the past. I thought it was still out of reach, and that we were still working our way toward it. I was wrong, but you know what? All my life I had always begged God to prove me wrong, and now, I guess He has granted it. I am proven wrong.