On Dissatisfaction, Codependency, and Poignancy

It's no secret that I have a rather bitter, if not downright cynical, outlook on life. And how can't I? I've lost a lot and gained very little, though not completely through no fault of my own. Still, one can't help but think all hope for a full, happy life is lost when one walks in my shoes.

Don't get me wrong. I simply wish to voice out my frustrations. Nothing more. I don't want your pity.

In my 26 years of existence, and relatively happy 5-6 years of those, I can't seem to recall the last time I truly felt happy and content. Even if in recent years I did feel some semblance of happiness or joy, it would soon turn to ashes, quickly burned out by nasty things lurking in the corner, ready to jump it at any given time.

Being self aware at such a young age is a nightmare to kids everywhere, but oh well, what's done is done, yeah? But I'm not gonna lie. It turns your life into a waking nightmare. I remember being almost always dissatisfied with the quality of the toys I'd get, be it a sloppy paint job or the inaccurate representation of the character or object from a certain show or movie. This is just a small taste of what I have to deal with even today, only now it's about 100x worse. It's maddening.

Then there's the issue of lacking love and attention, or at least a healthy form of it. I don't think I was ever deprived of either, but the way I was brought up has left me with an unhealthy desire to take care of the people I love, friends and lovers alike. This, in turn, creates codependency between them and me; I can be the most giving individual you've ever met, but I can also be the most demanding.

I can't even begin to count just how many people I've lost this way. Either I cut them off because I feel there's a severe lack of reciprocation or they leave because I'm "too much" for them.

I don't recognize moderation in my book. I do everything in excess. It's not the healthiest way to live, but it's the only one I know. Call it my obsessive-compulsive behavior, and it's not like I've never tried to change my ways. I simply cannot!

This brings us to what's seemingly an infinite supply of poignancy that is my life. I acknowledge that I live a relatively comfortable life, but that's besides the point. I'm not happy. Haven't been in a long time, and I don't think I will be in the near future, if ever.

Now, a rather interesting development has taken place sometime in the past month, and that development is that I no longer enjoy eating. I used to love food more than life itself. I used to be able to eat over a three-course meal in one sitting and still have room for dessert, but now I can't even finish a single serving of instant ramen without feeling stuffed. I kinda just... stopped enjoying food. It's purely for sustenance now. No pleasure in it anymore.

On top of it all, it seems to me that I do have a supremely shitty luck. Whenever I buy something online, there's always something. A faulty driver unit in IEMs, a scuffed midsole on a new pair of trainers, etc. Couple that with the everlasting curse of the inability to keep a job, even when I'm excellent at what I do. Life always finds a way to take it away from me, leaving me with a drought that can last me months on end. So, not only do I lead an unsatisfying life, I'm not even living! I'm merely surviving, barely.

The sharp decline in my overall wellbeing has made me more and more disillusioned with life. I truly have no intention of continuing. I'm trying my best to turn my life around, but hard work can only get you so far. If luck doesn't will it so, then, what the fuck can you do?

As I'm writing this, a brief realization hits: I'm just four months shy from being 27, and it's still unclear whether or not I will get to join the infamous 27 Club despite not having released a single piece of music (but hey, one or both of them can be changed, of course).

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