The things I otherwise would've said had you been more accepting.

Been a while since I wrote anything here, and this will probably go down as one of your garden variety " in retrospect " pieces, but here goes... Gonna put a big ass TRIGGER WARNING (suicidal thoughts/attempt) just to be sensitive. Read on. 2020, what a wild ride it has been. Tons of shit happened, some good, most of it bad. Insane. Absolute insanity. Un-fucking-believable. To put this into perspective, I ended 2019 with a fucking suicide attempt. Stupid, but it did happen. 2020 was off to a nice start right off the gate. Along the way I got to meet some nice people, and a few were wonderful. Though I lost my job, twice, also lost someone (I thought was) dear to me. What else? Fuck. I can no longer drink as much because my stomach decided I've had enough and now it'll hurt really, really badly every time I drink in excess. Fuck! Alright, suppose there were some good things to highlight here... let's see, did little covers of songs I like here and there, one was &q

 Recently, a realization dawned upon me: "I'm not in control. I've no control over my life, my feelings; let alone fate." Can I really ward off the urge to leave? It's been extremely hard to just even function and maintain appearance. Despite my efforts, I'm not so sure if I can stay for another year. Help — professional or otherwise — can only do so much for you and can only keep you around for so long. I will be posting more things like this when I can. In the meantime, I have something I need to deal with, fast .

Each and every one of us has a different understanding of the concept of home. More often than not, home is with our family, if they’re still alive, that is. Although I could be wrong, and I know I’m wrong in certain cases. The phrase “home is where the heart is” itself is chock-full of mysteries. How can it not be? I mean, wh- what is home? What is heart? You gotta figure out which is which and there could be no telling as far as logic’s concerned. A lot of people, myself included, spend a great deal of time trying to find our place in the world. Our home. Why? I dunno, cause people want to belong, I suppose. Aside from a sense of purpose and approval, I guess people just want to feel like they belong. This can be awful if 1) they were born without family 2) their house/family just isn’t right. They can end up being worse off than where they started. Sad as it may sound, this is more common than what you may think. Check yourself; you might be a victim of this as well. Discontentment

What if life as we know it was a lie? What if there’d be no light at the end of the tunnel? What if people were actually trapped in their own reality? A reality in which their fragile mind and soul are damned to dwell What if there was no afterlife? Will we still worship that deity? Will we still try to pretend to be nice to each other? Will we keep fucking each other over for personal gain? What if? What if? What if? The game life is playing with us makes me ask the same question over, and over, and over, questioning if my mind will venture into oblivion free falling into nothingness where the deafening silence is forever Eager to find out, but too scared to take the leap I’m at the end of my rope. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- By taking that leap, and when everything’s over and done… then and only then, perhaps, will I find peace.

You heard me. Self-love is a fucking trap. Don't fucking do it, man. Now, hear me out... there's nothing wrong with loving yourself. If anything, it's encouraged and it should be celebrated. No doubt. HOWEVER, most people would misunderstand what "self-love" actually means. Instead of truly loving themselves, it turns them into massively selfish assholes. Self-love is supposed to put emphasis on "love." It's love first and foremost. If you've read Twitter threads or some articles about self-love, chances are they are trying to teach you how to become selfish and entitled. Don't believe me? Go on and read some! Once you're done, come back here. I'll wait. Those types of literature pose a threat in which people would just stop caring about others, and I'm not saying other people in general, just the ones who truly matter . Ever heard of phrases such as "good vibes only" or "living my best life" or someth

I suppose some people were just born... extra . For example, they would go great lengths to ensure perfection or whatever to their heart's content, and generally, people would consider that cute... ...and then there's me . I'm probably the most extra motherfucker you'll ever meet. Ask anyone who knows me well, and they would all agree that I'm either balls deep into something, or I'm not. There's no in-between with me. I guess this is what being raised to be the perfect child did to me. I want, nay, need to be the best at everything I do (or at least what I enjoy doing). This doesn't translate well to my interpersonal relationships. Not at all. Be it romantic relationships or friendships. I may come across intimidating or what have you, but trust me, I look after my people, and I do it hard. Either that, or if you happen to fall on the other end of the spectrum, I couldn't give 0 fucks about you, mi amigo. You can stab yourself in the

In my head lives a maelstrom Unrelenting, ever so forbidding. It swallowed me whole, and I was certain that my days were numbered. It was not until I heard a soothing voice saying, “hush now, everything will be okay” “hush now” “hush now” ...or so I thought. It was an onslaught. For a while, it did keep me in check. For a while, it did keep me sane. Little did I know it would break my back. Little did I know it would drive me insane.

One way or another, humans crave interaction. Humans crave relationships. Humans long for companionships. It's just how our brains are wired, and although each brain is uniquely wired, it all breaks down into one single desire of being connected to one another. Just recently, a couple of hours prior to writing this, I decided to take part in the latest trend in Instagram Story activity: the so-called "A Meeting Between Breadfruit" social experiment. Basically, the idea is to challenge your followers to read your story till the very end, and at the end of it, they'd have to say something that reminds them of you, and in return, you'd have to say something similar. There's actually a template for this post, but I decided to make it my own by adding a little bit of personal touch, and it goes like this: "My name is Asura. A few people have (not) had the pleasure of knowing me, no matter when our paths have crossed. Some stuck, s

I’ve spent my days pondering Over all the things I could or would do But I always ended up drinking I’ve tried to numb myself In hopes of saving myself from the demons in my head But I always ended up putting a heart on the shelf A part of my soul chips away as time goes by Bit by bit, chunk by chunk ‘Till there’s nothing left but a rusty heart and a faceless ghost I’ve spent my days wondering About all the things that could’ve been or would’ve been And I always ended up hurting And they say that time will heal, but oh no darling, I’ve learned differently As it goes by, time will reveal Time reveals and it will spare nothing Nothing Nothing at all It will reveal, yeah It will reveal, yeah Time will reveal And you too, shall heal

For the first time in YEARS, I finally feel happy. Like, truly, over-the-top, so-utterly happy. "But why?" You may ask... Here's the thing: happiness doesn't require a fucking reason to pay someone a visit. It just drops by. When it does, it's the best fucking thing ever. Or is it? Of course! Who am I kidding? It's 3 in the morning at the time of writing and I might post this later on if I feel like it, when , I feel like it. However, it's truly odd that I feel happy now. I mean, why now? I thought I'd given up my search for happiness long ago when I sold my soul to the Devil. For what? I'll never know, but I digress. I'm just fucking grateful for this feeling I've been longing to feel for such a long, long time. Far too long if you ask me. I thought I'd never feel alive again. Alive and happy? SIGN ME UP! Depressive phase what? I'm all about that sweet, sweet manic phase, baby. Aaaaanyway... Lif

Have you ever been so mad at the world? You wake up angry, go about your day angry, go to bed angry. If not, then you’re incredibly lucky, and I envy you. I'm angry at myself, at my family, at my neighbors, at the society, at everything... Why? I've 0 ideas, really. Rage just boils within, and it's not pretty. Imagine going to work feeling nothing but pure anger, and later you'll have to suppress it just so you can have proper human interactions throughout the day. It's fucking torture. Violent things often cross my mind, but I would always dismiss them as quickly as they come. Maybe it's all just infestation of anger and pain accumulated over the years, all pent up. I've never been very good at communicating my feelings with others and it often proves to be my downfall over and over. Hell, I would do anything to be able to express myself and be heard. Well... tough shit, sunshine. I don't think I'll have a